Ladies and gentlemen, we proudly bring you the first engineering report of Jenna Dallas - the sexy starlet of the motoring world. She comes from Amsterdam but her heart is French - one of love but with a body and mind of pure filth. Our fine Volvo 440 had be christened and found her true identity - filthy dirty, oiled up and ready to take us for a cheap ride. May we present to you Jenna Dallas...

Over the weekend we have pulled back her pink hood and given her flanges a good seeing to. All oiled up, lubricated and fully refreshed we spanked her round the highways of South Birmingham, only to break down four times within a 3 mile loop - not Staples2Naples - not even Catshill to Bromsgrove. The moral of the story is, don't trust EuroCarParts to know their specs, spark plug tolerances are mm critical and for some reason they make the plug bodies stronger than they make the thread on the engine block.

However, after kicking arse and drawing a small crowd on the Evesham Road, screaming, "You 25 quid piece of shit whore, for Christ sake - dont go down on me in the middle of the street!" we discovered a another level of push starting. The sort of push starting you have to do in reverse (as you are facing a busy set of red traffic lights) whilst half on the pavement with traffic swerving past you and a chip shop full of spectators.

Sunday saw a transformation, Jenna teaching us that she doesnt always like to be treated mean and can sometimes act like a lady. With the correct spec plugs and more under hood tinkering she purred with pleasure for us. 8 gallons of T-cut, 45 bottles of colour magic wax and an emperor size box of Kleenex later, we had muscular forearms after rubbing Jenna up for about 4 hours. She loved every second of it.

19 litres of back to black and some top action on the fine detaling of the trim has left us with an [almost, apart from the rust] showroom condition minter. Smooth as a young lady should be and thirsty too. We took her out to some secluded spots around the Lickey Hills but no amount of over revving, or 20% inclines would slow this star’s voracious appetite - she gobbled them down and was hungry for more. She knows exactly how much she can take and, with discs all round, she also knows how to stop.

She is truly one fine woman; cheap and dirty I grant you but smooth and elegant with it - just what you want from a cheap bitch of a motor.